It Hurts…

You know, I’ve never been the type of person who would give in 100% in a relationship. Specially because I’ve been in love before and people have broken my heart. Since I started to date Eric I was always holding something back, it’s as if I’m afraid of him having a part of me that I’ll never get back. I’m not saying that I’ve had horrendous relationships, it’s just that just like any other girl I’ve had my heartbreaks and unlike many other girls I’m smart and try to avoid them now. At first, with Eric, we were okay. I mean, we liked each other we were in love, but I wasn’t blinded. As time went by, just like my Karma predicted, bad things happened. Well, not only on his side, but mine too. I can say that we weren’t so nice to each other in the past few months. It all led up to the point during vacation that I decided we had to break up. I don’t know why or how I decided it. Things felt like we weren’t connected anymore, even though things felt great when we were alone it seemed that there was always something bad about to happen, as if we didn’t trust each other. Honestly, I think it was the worst and the best day in my life. The worst because I found out that when people say: you don’t what you had until you loose it, it’s true. When we broke up, and I got in the house it felt like I’ve left a part of me with him. And that I would never, no matter what, have that back. It was as if I had literally left happiness walk out my door and not even cared about how my life would be without it. Well, after 2 hours I called him cause all I needed was to hear his voice, I wanted to see that he was happy without me, even though I was hoping he wasn’t. We talkedthings through, and decided to give another chance to “us”. That was what made the best day for me. After that day it seemed like my whole world changed, now a days we care for each other, trust each other and love each other so much it hurts. Since my Karma just won’t let go, the next day I found out that right after we broke up he was almost getting with another girl. I can’t lie that it hurt my feelings. Even after everything I’ve been through my heart can still be broken, but after that day I decided to leave all of this behind, to just have fun and live life the best way possible. If things weren’t supposed to work out between us, so be it. I just got sick of mourning for the past and worrying about the future. I just dived in, head first.

After all this, today I can say that we are the happiest people alive. We love each other and we happy. Plus, we’re so over not trusting what will happen because I think that everything we’ve been through made us get to know each other even more. Last week, Eric told me he was getting out of the Brazilian Program, meaning that, he will not have a Brazilian diploma and will not study here after graduating. It was right before I got my bus to go home. When he told me that, it was as if everything I had in the whole world just fell apart. I could feel my heart pumping and pain filling my throat as my tears filled my eyes. I told him I was okay, after all I’m not a cry baby that wants to influence people emotionally. I got in the bus and started listening to my iPod. It’s amazing how the perfect song for the moment always comes up on shuffle in these occasions. “Breathe” from Taylor Swift started playing. It was so perfect. I know that I’m not going to the states to study, I’m gonna stay here. And he’s leaving. It’s as if we’re scheduling a date for our break up. After all this time, I realized that I’m not holding anything back anymore. That everything I am, is because of what we have. I know I may be overreacting, but seriously, I don’t know how to be myself without him. Honestly, I cannot imagine living knowing that I won’t see him in the morning with a wide smile. Or his eyes that always makes me feel safe no matter what. And the friend that I can talk to whenever I want about whatever. He’s not only my boyfriend, my love, he’s a friend, he’s a brother, he’s everything I need. 6 months ago, if I read something like this I would start laughing and say that this girl is totally insane and talking nonsense. Today, I know that i might be insane, and it may be nonsense, but I don’t want to loose it. I don’t want to go back to the girl that didn’t believe in true love. The girl that only saw the dark side of people because she couldn’t see the good in her self. The girl that didn’t even trust her shadow, because she learned that people ALWAYS break your heart. I want to be this girl I am now, I’m sick of pretending I’m independent and that I don’t need others. Becuase I do. I need Eric, I need my friends, I need my family. I’m not alone in this world, and I have to know that there’s someone out there I can count on.

Eric is leaving after graduation. I’ve never believed in distance relationship, but like I’ve said before, people change, and I’ve changed. I’m giving everything I have for this to work out. And distance will only prove how strong our love is.

When I got home that day, after knowing he wasn’t staying in Brazil after all, I decided to write I song. That is because I always write a song when I’m feeling emotional. And I did. It was pretty good, but when I got to the 5thverse tears started rolling down my face and I started sobbing. Really, I didn’t know what was going on with me. My voice wouldn’t come out and it seemed as if the room didn’t have enough air. I cried and sobbed for about 5 minutes. I couldn’t continue writing, I would just start crying again. So I listened to my iPod, to the song I heard when I was in the bus, leaving school. Watching as Eric faded away in the background as I left. And again, I wept until there was no tears left for this heart to shred.

Here’s the song:

“Breathe” – Taylor Swift

Look Back To Who You Really Are

There’s this girl that always said she never drinks because not only does she think it’s wrong but that she doesn’t like the taste. I totally agree with her. She always said she didn’t care about what other people would think about her attitude because she has a strong personality. I also agree with her on that. This girl hated “Pagode”, always did. We used to talk how be both hated this type of Brazilian music. Last night, she was hanging out with some friends and this boy that is always flirting with her started to come around. He started talking and then asked her if she was doing anything Friday. She asked why, and said that no, even though she is doing something Friday. He said that he would like to invite her to go to a party he is going to be the DJ and said that there would be some “Pagode” groups there. She looked at him, not knowing exactly what to say. He said: “You like Pagode right?” “Yeah, It’s pretty cool” Then he continued: “There will also be an open bar with tequila and vodka so we can have some fun.” Again, she looked at him, puzzled, thinking about what would be the right thing to say. Would it be: No, I don’t drink, but thank you anyway. And he would just walk away and not look or talk to her again. That is because she knows that he is that type of boy, that doesn’t care about who you are, just what you do, and drinking would make her look interesting. Instead she said: “Oh, that will be fun. Yeah, I drink some…” How can someone that always believed and said that drinking is wrong and didn’t like when others were drinking say that? How can someone that always said she had personality change her beliefs because of a random guy that is asking her out? Honestly, I don’t know. The worst of it all, is that this girl was me. I don’t know why I said I would drink, because honestly I wouldn’t. Even if I tried, I hate the taste of alcohol. I know it might not seem like a big deal for you, but for me it is. It’s like I’m losing everything I believed in. I lost myself in the path of life, and maybe, just maybe, I got the wrong path and have to turn around and try to find the pieces of my old self. I hope that when I do, I can put them all together and go back in being the girl that had enough personality to not change my mind over temporary people in my life. About the guy, I’m not going out Friday. First because I don’t think it will be a good idea, cough flirting cough. And second, if he really want to ask me out then be it, but for who I really am.  Not who I’m pretending to be just to make him adore me.

 

PS: Plus I will not have anything with him cause I totally love Eric. But you know, it feels good to know someone besides your boyfriend is interested in you.

Terror Is Gettin’ To Me

Last night I was in the room downstairs reading one of my terror-suspense books when I heard Freakshow-Britney Spears playing. I looked at the clock and it was exactly midnight. I realized the music was coming from the living room. The weird thing was that I always put my cell phone to vibrate and the ring tone was playing. I ran to the living room to answer before it woke everyone in the house. I got my purse and ran back to the room I was in. It took so long for me to find my cell phone inside my purse that when I got it there was already 1 missed call. I looked up the number that had called me and it wasn’t registered in my agenda. I called the person back, and the woman said that the number didn’t exist. That was enough to make my heart go flipping’. I was already in the edge from reading my terror books, and then a number that doesn’t exist calls me at midnight! I was frozen at the edge of the bed thinking about what had just happened. My breathing was deep and it echoed around the silent room. It was then my cell phone started vibrating. I don’t know why it changed form ring tone to vibrate without me even changing the configuration. I looked the number that was calling and it was the same one. I didn’t know if I should answer or not. After three rings I decided to answer, and guess who was at the other end of the call?? Eric… I answered him normally, and he had no idea of what had happened inside my head. I had imagined all sorts of call, like in “I Know What You Did Last Summer” or “A Missed Call” where the person answers and hers themselves screaming and then dying. I guess my imagination is very fertile these days. Although there were a few unexplained facts about this event, such as the number not existing and my cell phone changing configuration by itself. I’ll just not over think things and not get so freaked out about it.

Lonely Days

8 days alone. Well, not exactly, there are loads of people at school, but Eric is gone. He went to rancho with all the other sports freaks. Nothing against it, but honestly… it’s kind of sick… well, who am I to judge. So, going back to the topic, Eric is gone for 8 days and I feel so alone. I have all my friends and they are just perfect. It feels like I am single again, old times when I used to hang out with the gang and just have fun, forget about life. I’m not complaining, I love being in a relationship. It’s just that sometimes, it’s nice to catch up to good old friends. Today was the first school day without him, it could’ve been worse. Even though every time I got out of a class I would be waiting to see him… but no… No Eric… not today… not this week. It feels so depressing! Imagine how tomorrow will be! I’ll just live one day at a time, and maybe I won’t suffer as much. Hope I’ll survive, I will survive… with the friends I have always there for me! Right Alvy and Laury??? LoL

Crazy Day at the Mall

Yesterday I went to the mall with Eric. It was pretty crazy. Lemme tell the details.

I was at home. I was supposed to be at the mall by 12:00am. My dad was at a meeting and he was supposed to come home and get my aunt at her place then come here and get me and my mom so we could go to the mall. Well, it would all work if the meeting ended when it was supposed to. It was 12:00am and no sign of him. I was getting stressed, I hate being late to things. I think it’s kind of rude actually. I called Eric. Good he was still at his house, I told him I would be late. That I would go to the mall around 12:30 1:00. 12:30 and my dad still didn’t arrive. He had just called telling my mom he was passing at m aunt’s and that he was heading home. When he arrived everyone decided to have lunch here. And that’s so not how it was supposed to work. So, I was forced to eat. Of course, I was the first to finish, because I didn’t want to leave my boyfriend waiting. Everyone took so long, they kept talking and getting more and more food. When they finally finished I was already in the car. We were heading of when my mom remembered she forgot her cell phone and my aunt wanted to go to the bathroom. It’s amazing how everything goes wrong when it’s not supposed to. It was 12:40 and we were finally going to the mall. I met Eric when I arrived. He was already there.

We went to the movies. We went for “Quebrando a Banca”. Sorry, but I can’t tell details about this movie because it was totally erased from my mind. Seriously, it’s nothing naughty. I just don’t remember a thing about this movie. Not even a scene.

I remember the second movie though.

We got out of the movies and we wanted to see another one. We saw on the TV with the schedule of movies that “Encurralados” was the next movie. We tried to find out what that movie was about but there were no signs of it. So we were like, Okay let’s just go and there we see what it’s about. I was kind of scared of that because of something that happened before. Lemme tell about that:

We went with some friend to the mall. Eric, Bia, Eduardo and I. We were going to the movies and then we saw this movie: “Signos da Cidade”. We didn’t even know what it was about. But still, we went. When the movie started it was Brazilian. (Bad, bad, bad) I hate Brazilian movies, no prejudice or anything it’s just that they have no stories. They are or about a guy’s life in the favela or about a weird Brazilian saint with a guy that is supposed to be funny but is not. This movie (Signos da Cidade) was the typical Brazilian movie but WORSE. Way worse. If I generalize all Brazilian movies to that, then I can say that: Brazil = Porn. That film was all about porn. It was so gross. And the grossest thing was that the age to get in was 14! Common, I’m 14 and I so don’t wanna see that! The weirdest thing is that everyone in the movies was watching it as if it was normal. Guys, you might be thinking I’m exaggerating things. But I’m not. A kiss, okay. Sex but not showing things… okay. But it was all over! the camera focused.. THERE! Honestly, it was the grossest thing ever!!! And the worst thing was that the actors and actresses were old! So imagine this: OLD PORN! Ewwwww I don’t like any type of porn but old porn! No one deserves this. Bia and Eduardo left the movies. Eric and I didn’t cuz we had better things to do… We tried to ignore the weird noises and what was happening in the movies.. hard doing that. After that movie, I am never, ever going to see a Brazilian movie again!

Going back to yesterday. We went to see “Encurralados”. It was not like Signos da Cidade. First because it was American! yay! hahaha And it was actually a very good movie. I really liked the story and the ending. Which I can’t tell because it will give away the movie.

In the middle of that movie my stomach started hurting because I was hungry. It was funny because I had to breathe in and breathe out as if I was having a baby or something. Eric made fun of me. Some minutes later he started “screaming” (he didn’t scream because we were at the movies but it was as if) that his stomach was hurting. First, I was “angry” (not really angry but pissed of) that he was making fun of me because he was doing the same things I did but exaggerating. When I saw it was for real I started laughing so much. I laughed so hard my stomach started hurting because I was laughing. He also laughed which made his situation worse.

The energy went off during that movie. Everything went dark. It was so scary/funny. Because it was out of nowhere. When it came back the guy of the movies was backing up the film to where it had stopped. It was funny because it was showing on the big screen and you know when the image is like fast. I always laugh about that, stupid I know, but still funny for me.

When that movie ended we wanted to see another one. But since the energy had just went off the TVs were off to. So we couldn’t know the schedule of the movies. We waited in a HUGE line to get the tickets. I asked the lady what was the next film. She said: “Homem de Ferro”. I really didn’t want to see that movie, but it was the only option. It was 19:12 and the movie would start at 19:15. So we got the tickets and “ran” to the movie room. It was so full of people it was scary. And the scariest part was that people kept coming in and never stopped! It was then, the adventure began. I’m gonna do this with characters because it’s faster and funnier. And I’m going to try to translate it because it was all in Portuguese:

Carol: I don’t want to watch this movie.
Eric: Me neither
Carol: Let’s change movies.
Eric: Okay, I’m going out there to see where we can go. Stay here and I’ll call you to tell you where I am and then you come.
Carol: Okay.
(Eric went and I stayed there with my cell phone on my hand. Some times later Eric appears in the entrance of the movie room)
Eric: (making a signal with his hand for me to go there)
Carol: (I went)
Eric: We just have to turn left it’s the room beside this one.
(Mission impossible music on hahahaha)
(When we left the room two security guys were passing)
Eric: (whispering) let’s go to the bathroom.
Carol: together?!
Eric: No! Stay there till the securities guys are out.
(I went in the bathroom and kept looking at myself in the mirror. There was a cleaning lady there and she thought I was weird. She was looking at me in a weird way.)
Eric: cough!
Carol: (leave the bathroom)
Eric: Let’s go.
Carol: (start walking fast to the movies room)
Eric: Walk normally.
Carol: Okay
(We get in the other movie room)
Eric: Okay now you can run.
Carol: (run)
Eric: Not that fast!
Carol: hahhaahah

We sat in the front of the movies. I looked at my cell phone and it was off. How was I expecting him to call me if it was off! I started laughing so much. Then we started laughing. Like really, really hard. We laughed for about 30 – 40 minutes. Then we did our thing. hahahaha And then I was sleepy so I almost slept but I didn’t because there were too many shootings going on. The movie age was 16 so good no one saw us there. Hehehe

I loved the mall yesterday very adventurous. We (Eric and I) would make a very good FBI couple hahaah or drug dealer’s hahahaha. Eric Bond and Carol Bond. Okay, that’s weird. Never mind. As always… pretend I’m normal.