Clinical procrastination… or should I just say depression…

After a very interesting weekend with the Haunted House and Halloween I’ve entered a deep and hopeless state of clinical procrastination. Yesterday I woke up feeling extremely useless. Apart from the occasional headache and other pains recurring from a sickness I was just depressed all day. I feel like I don’t want to do anything, and have no motivation for anything either. Just now for example, my hands are just hovering over the keyboard eventually hitting some keys but I am very much indifferent to what I’m writing. Even though I slept for quite a long time yesterday and last night, I still feel very tired and sleepy. I feel like laying in bed and even when doing so I feel bored. Perhaps I grew tired, once again, of this pointless and useless routine that school is. Waking up every morning, looking forward for events and things created by teachers and people with the simple objective of getting a numerical value trying to represent our level of intelligence. When we all know that at some point, these things are useless. I guess I’m tired of worrying and stressing about crafted paradigms in such institution. I feel like it’s passed the time for me to actually do something useful for my life, something I believe in. Instead of being lab rats I feel like we should all be on to something. Anyway, I’ll probably read over this post and not understand a thing, maybe be mad at the bad grammar and repetition of expressions and phrases. Well.. I don’t really care. All in all this blog is mine and created simply for me to say whatever I want in it. So, as bad as this post might be, it definitely reflects my current state of mind.

Superstitious Faith

Last weekend I went with some friends to this Japanese Festival in São Paulo called Tanabata Matsuri. There are various cultural exhibits and culinary shops around, this is my second year going and I must say it is quite fun to walk around those streets. Last year when I went it was the day after I started dating Vinicius and predictably enough my bamboo tree/bush wish (I am no Japanese culture vocabulary expert) was going to be related to him. As a consequence of fate, dedication, love, passion, or perhaps the wish itself, it turned out we are still together until this day. This year he tagged along with us and we decided to make another wish and again related to us. There is some sort of vibe from these superstitious things that I can’t get away from, at the same time that I don’t deposit all my faith in these wishes I feel like there is no damage in believing. Until I find out the factor that changes the course of fate for our dreams to come true I will continue wishing on bamboo trees, birthday cakes and falling stars. May the wishing fairy listen to them all.

Life

We all live in what seems like a brand new world, full of surprises, new experiences, feelings and emotions. Yet, even though it remains so remotely unknown to us, everything is quite old. There are the ones who have already lived a whole life and went through exactly what we do everyday. They who have lived the answer to our questions of what happens next? In the aftermath, is it really that important for us to have knowledge of what is the next step? What is waiting for us behind that closed door, bend in the road, fog in the early morning? Perhaps the answer to all of the possible questions about everything is: live. Live and the day will answer your doubts. Live and the future will reveal your solution. Live and stop questioning, that is when we ge the answers for questions not even thought of before. Maybe it’s time to see the glass half full as “they” would say. We all sure know it does not take one night of sleep for that to happen, but it starts somewhere right ? I guess this is when it could start. In the end, life is nothing but, being born, playing, falling in love, breaking your heart, seeing loved ones go away, and the have yourself leave this place. All in all, we might aswell enjoy the ride.

100th Post

Wow, this is my 100th posts and it doesn’t even feel like it. After all these years of me writing and then stopping I can finally see this blog’s purpose. It was not created and maintained for the public’s eyes. Not made for the main stream of cockiness where you have to fit in the trend and not made to please anyone. After all these posts I have to recognize this blog as the one place where I can just sit and write whatever I have in mind, and after all these years I look back and re-read stuff i had long forgotten. It has been a pleasure having you by my side wordpress, and I intend in maintaining you for much longer. More than anything I would like to thank Alvy and Sofy the ones I had initially started a blog with and those who got me into this. I would like to thank Laura who supports my writing and recently showed how much she appreciates it, thank you. I guess I have to thank Eric for being the subject of most of my posts for without your back-stabbing cold deceiving attitude I would have never had enough emotions to write  about. And currently thank my baby Denucci who makes me be a better person each and every day and makes my posts less bitchy cold and with more passion. In the end, I am very grateful to all, and specially to me, who has the amazing ability over overreacting and causing a drama out of anything and with that always having new things to write about.

And so we meet again …

Here I am again, updating my blog. I just re-read ALL of my posts (yes that is a lot) and it was funny yet weird to re-live these past years of my life (specially because I have a really bad memory and tend to forget yesterday just like it never happened, re reading these posts was like reading about someone else’s life, I didn’t recall most of it and was quite intrigued by how I changed throughout these years).  Since I just re-read all the posts I definitely saw a pattern of me saying: Hi, sorry I haven’t updated my blog that often, I will try to keep posting and bla bla bla. Well, this time I’ll try to change things a little. I won’t lie, I do think about posting very frequently. However, I tend to keep procrastinating, in hope that I will have something better to post about. Well, not that I re-read these posts I realized that the best ones are the simple ones, I don’t really need a huge occasion to just write it down right? And after all, I am just writing to put my thoughts out there, and for me re-read it in some years and think: Wow, that girl used to be me…

There’s been so much going on lately that I don’t even know where to start…

Let’s see…

Last night I had a really random breakdown. Actually, it was just that something really unexpected happened, and I wasn’t quite ready for it. I’m not going to go into much details because lately I’ve noticed how people love to create huge dramas about nothing. Not that the whole community reads this blog, actually, not even part of it hahaha. Anyway, the bottom line is: Someone offered me a great opportunity. One that would start to make my dreams come true regarding singing my own songs and publishing them online. In the midst of a lot of drama, this person last night took away the offer due to some very delicate reasons. When he said: I’m taking back my offer. Seriously, my stomach dropped. It’s not that I was taking advantage of the opportunity itself and not his friendship it’s just that, it’s a huge deal for me. Right there I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t want to blame my boyfriend (which by the way for those who follow the timeline of this blog has changed, and is no longer Eric. Let’s say that this time I won the lottery? hahaha) Well, my boyfriend is not to blame, he has his reasons to do what he did, and the friend that took back his offer also has his own reasons. I guess I’m just stuck in the middle. I kept wondering whether I should follow my dream or should give up on that to focus on “us”. Oh my, this sounds very submissive of myself. It’s really not that. I just keep wondering sometimes… I believe that everything happens for a reason. If I lost this offer now, it’s because it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe the future holds something bigger for me, who knows? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep doing my thing and hopefully get somewhere.

PS: The emotional breakdown was basically me sobbing, hugging Teddy (the cutest Teddy Bear ever I got in Miami) and in a crisis of who I am what do I do. And yes, dear reader, I was very embarrassed after 5 min I stopped crying, for I realised there was no huge reason for me to be that way and that in the end, things do turn out to be somehow good.

Meeting New People

I have some problems when I meet new people, specially because I tend to say too much. The thing is, I don’t like awkward moments, but sometimes to avoid these moments I end up saying things I shouldn’t and then there is a REALLY awkward moment. One example is, today I met this boy and we were talking. He dances, so do I. I was talking about street dance and the place I have classes, because he’s interested in starting. All of a sudden, I just started talking about how I didn’t get contemporary dances and all, and end up the guy loves it and dances it. I honestly didn’t know what to say. It could’ve been worse though, because he just showed me some videos of “So You Think You Can Dance” and it’s actually really nice! The thing is (he explained it to me) in Brazil dancers use a lot of drama and acting in contemporary dance, and in the end, there’s not much really left of dance to it. In U.S they use more of the dance to express the emotion, which is really amazing. For me, the dance he showed me the video, was lyrical hip -hop, but apparently not. Or maybe some lyrical hip-hop and contem. dance mix up to a certain point. I just find it really awesome that now a days you can mix different styles and have a new dance which is completely accepted. That’s what’s nice about dancing, each dancer has it’s own style and everyday someone is innovating.

Back to the start

Seems like I’m back to the start. Vlogging is fun but makes me very vulnerable.. so I’ll just post up videos of me dancing and maybe, who knows, singing, when I can. My vacation so far has been very boring. The only fun part was like the first week when I had the sleep over with my THE best friends ever! It was so much fun, Alvy feel asleep at like 4. Then we took him to his room. The funniest thing was that we were all talking when we heard a snore. We looked at him and he was there, so vulnerable, sleeping. Laura started talking to him, like: “Alvy, are you seriously sleeping?” Didn’t get that, if he was he wouldn’t answer, or would be woken up by her. Of course, he woke up. We all started laughing. I took him to his room and went back to the girls.

We talked until 6:30am. Actually, we wouldn’t sleep at all, we had made this pact of who could stay up with no sleep. But then, thinking about it, we decided to sleep because we would be exhausted during the day and wouldn’t have time to have some more fun. I woke up at 8:00am, 1 hour and 30min of sleep. So helpful huh? My teeth hurt because of my braces that fell off the previous day. I went to my mom’s room and she was there so we started talking. I started sneezing and decided not to go back into the room because I would wake them up. Oh, funny moment. When we were talking at like, 5:00, we had just talked about scary things andour hearts were almost jumping out of my mouth. There was the door lock that I could see through, and kept imagining an eye, just appearing there. The scary clowns looking down on us on top of the shelf. The mirror that scares me to death because terror movies ALWAYS have mirrors where ghosts appear. We were scared and all, and I was like: Woah imagine if like the grudge lady appears through the door or something. After 10min talking, another topic, my mom opened the door and put her head through it. Seriously! I jumped so high and screamed soo loud!! Laura and Chris jumped too. My mom was like: woah, am I that ugly? haha We laughed about it later. Summarizing the wake-over (because we didn’t really sleep) was simply amazing. I won’t describe each and every detail because it would take forever and still wouldn’t be enough.

I hope my vacation have more of these fun days to come. Eric is not here and he’ll only come back July, 2nd. One week with him and I’ll leave July, 9th. I’m only coming back on the 20th. Although I will have lots of fun while I’m traveling. I’ll post more often now that I’m back to writing. It feel so much safer! =D

Goodnight to everyone. It’s 4:19am and I still haven’t went to bed. At 4:00pm I have exams (singing, piano and music theory) and I still haven’t studied THAT much! =O gotta sleep! ‘Night.

Physical Variations

Last dance class, Monday, the teacher told the ”couples” that the girl had to do a freeze and the boy another freeze under. I was really nervous, I can barely to a cartwheel, how was I suppose to do a freeze. My partner told me to practice on the wall and that I could do it for next class (today). I did practice. (more details about it on the post: Freeze) I got to class today and the teacher made us do these exercises. It was so painful. I felt like I was trying to get into the army or something. Everyone was in a row, we had to do push-ups, run, jump, crawl. And he kept screaming: GO! GO! FASTER! IS THIS ALL YOU GOT???!!! Honestly, I don’t know how I did it. 80% of the class gave up and left the room, because the teacher kicked them out for not doing it. I think that the reason I did it was that while I was doing it I kept thinking: “Go, you can do it. You need a good grade, you need to pass this level. You need to show that you’re good. You can’t suck a this too. You love this, common’” And I kept pushing me towards death as each second went by. At the end, he put cones around the classroom (which is huge btw) and we had to run around with the music on. We started jogging, and he kept running next to us and screaming and telling each person how they had to go faster and all. We were gaining speed so fast. After 5 minutes of running so fast and a guy screaming at you I could barely breathe. The cold air seemed solid when entering my lungs and I had to do twice as much effort to swallow. After 8 minutes I couldn’t feel my legs. I knew they were in pain, but due to the cold I could barely feel them at all. After 10 minutes it was as if I gained so much momentum that my body was moving so fast and at the same time in so much pain! When it was over, we had to go around walking so we would slow down. I looked around and 5 people of the 30 students were still there.
And I was one of them! I was so happy! the teacher said we had passed his physical condition test. I couldn’t believe it, me, Carol, that doesn’t do ANY sports (only dance) passed the test! The test that 25 students gave up on, because of physical pain! Well, my happiness didn’t last long. I stopped walking and my legs started hurting so much! I was having cramps at both at the same time! I never believed someone could so much pain. Even when I broke my foot (two ligament ripped, one fracture and one vein destroyed) I didn’t feel as much pain. Probably because I felt so much pain with my foot that there’s a point that it just gets numb and you don’t feel that much! It’s like, you know it’s hurting, but you kind of got used to it. Well, these cramps weren’t enough to trick my brain so I would get used to it. I was so tired I couldn’t breathe, my body muscles were all useless for moment and my legs couldn’t support my body. I collapsed. Then, the teacher said we were doing all the choreographies ( it’s like 5 minutes of dance). And he put the music on. How was i supposed to dance like that?? But like always, dance/music motivated me and I went for it. I danced like it was the last time I would in my whole life. Like I was going to die right after the last move. When it was done, it was as if I was a different person. I was light, my head, my body, everything felt different. If I didn’t know myself, I would’ve sworn I was high, but I don’t use drugs so that’s not an option. I guess, I got high on exercise.

After the second half of class we were doing a new choreography and my partner got hit on the face by this other girl. It was accidental, and I could see that it’d hurt so much! He went to the bathroom and came back with ice. His cheek bone was bruised. Tomorrow he has an audition to dance at a big concert with Claudia Leite at Salvador and he was so sad because he might not get the place if his face is bruised, because the looks count a lot. I could see he was really sad, disappointed, and I felt bad for him. I went and asked if he was okay, redundant question, obviously he wasn’t. He said yeah… I got out of class in a depressive mood and now I’m kind of airy. This post is to send good vibrations and luck so my partner will get his place in the concert… GOOD LUCK!

Wheelchair Please…

Ouch… ouch.. ouch…

That’s like all I can feel right now… pain. I just came back from my street dance class. It was CRAZY!! First, we got there, stretched and started practicing the choreography. Then the teacher started teaching us a new sequence, that had to go in pairs. (guys and girls). A friend called me to go with him, and when the teacher started showing the sequence I started laughing, literally. I was supposed to slide backwards under my partner’s legs, than open a half split on the floor, put my head on my knees while my partner did a flip OVER me and then kick my right feet up and start running. How was I, Carol, the girl that has no connection at all with the ground do such a thing. Plus I’m not very stretched. I tried, I could do the movements but in slow motion! My partner helped me a lot, he gave me a lot of support, which I thought was really nice of him, because some other person would’ve just started yelling at me. Then the teacher told us to do it with the music. And I have this thing that every time I’m dancing along with some song I get really into it and excited. So when we started dancing I did everything right! (that’s like after 3 tries) Shocking I know. But here’s the details of the first try with the music on. When sliding backwards I didn’t slide to the right direction, so I hit my partners leg and he fell down… oops. We started over again. Then the second time I didn’t put my head down and I accidentally hit his privates which wasn’t really nice. But we continued… I did at least.. he was moaning. When opening the split, I was in the momentum and into the dance and I went with all my force. What happened?? I actually did open a split… problem? Yes, I’m not stretched so I like ripped every muscle possible. But since I was dancing and into it I continued. I still can’t believe I actually did put my head on my knees, and my partner did the mortal on top of me without hitting my head.. phew… then I just kicked my foot up and ran. The third time we did was perfect. Even the teacher said we were good together because we had this non verbal communication. I’m so happy. For the first time in my life I did something on the floor that actually worked!! Okay, the bad side of situation… I can barely walk, my legs hurt like hell and I honestly think I ripped way too many muscles today. Anyway, I’m still happy… I’ll probably just go to school on a wheelchair. 

Model for one day or let’s say 15 minutes…

This weekend I had to go with my father to this studio in the mall because he had to take these pictures for this project he did in his company. Oh well, and guess who was going to be in the picture?? Me! Actually, my hand in a glove holding a test tube would be in the picture, but that’s still me right? We went to Shopping Dom. Pedro, which I hate because no prejudice or anything everyone who’s there is the type of person you could fine in a federal prison or something. I’m sorry if you’re reading this and you go to Dom. Pedro, I didn’t mean to offend you. When we got there only the parking lot was already full. I have this thing that I hate humans in large quantity. Especially if they’re doing different tasks, which make them disorganized humans. When we got in the mall there was this mass of people going in different flows. I could feel my breathing getting harder, my body was trying to find some oxygen that might have left for me. My dad was rushing through the crowd, he just left me behind! I was wearing high heels and had to concentrate on not slipping. Not only that but also hold close to my purse because I was so frikin’ scared of the weird people around me. We went into the picture place and my dad talked to the lady that would take the pictures. While we waited for her to get ready I noticed there was this station inside the store that was selling tickets for this rodeo that is happening next weekend and the next in Jaguariuna. Okay, no prejudice again, but SOCIAL SUICIDE! If people actually went there to see the rodeo, okay, cause that sounds fun. But they actually go there to listen to bad Brazilian country music. Trust me, country music here is not even close to what country music is out there. I took a glance at the people in line for the ticket, only by seeing the 6 of them I already got scared. The guys looked like someone who could easily be charged for rape or vandalism. And the girls could easily be mistaken for bad quality hookers or just wannabes that came from a far a way city and that would do just anything to get famous. That resumes to: awful clothes, disgusting hair, teeth in bad conditions (if any teeth at all) and even worse manners.

The picture woman got back and took us upstairs to this room: “Studio”. From the outside it looked like a place where they might be filming some type of horror movie, there was all these costumes for babies, but not cute costumes. Costumes that was torn apart and dirty. When we got inside it was pretty decent. I put the gloves on and got the test tube with money inside. I had to hold my arm in the air for like ages (okay it was like 10 minutes) but have you ever tried to hold your arm still in the air while someone was taking a picture of your hand? Seriously, your arm starts shaking AND hurting. Not best position. Then, the woman started saying: Do this! Do that! Hold like this! bla bla bla. I almost said: So come do it bitch! But since I’m a very well mannered little girl I just gave her the I-can’t-stand-you-for-one-more-second smile. Beyond that everything was okay. Plus I have a petit gateau while I waited for the picture to get ready. It was all worth it, and my hand will be famous because it’s the logo for my dad’s company new project! WAY TO GO!! haha At least a part of me (literally) is already being a famous model.