Slipped Away

I just watched this video that made my eyes fill up with tears. It’s funny how we people, live our lives. We have this one thing that we all know, we’re born, we live, we die. Everyone accept the fact, that one day, the ones they love will die and they will too. But the day when you loose that one person, it’s as if you never knew it was coming. It’s like someone takes your heart away and puts painful memories in it’s place.

I’m the type of person that always hold back what I’m feeling. As time goes by, this feeling grows inside of me to a point that it feels like my heart is about to burst. When my grandmother died, I stood strong. I was there for my parents and for the family. Everytime we met, I would hold a smile and say that everything was alright and that she is in a better place. But everytime I start remembering her, and the small things it’s as if it was the day she left. Everytime I listen to Slipped Away from Avril Lavigne, it’s like my world if falling apart, all over again. It’s the song I listened the day she passes away, and it still has the same meaning to me. I remember when we used to go to São Paulo and I wouldn’t say much, just like her, it was as if the silence was our communication and our hearts felt in peace that way. When we were alone, we would just sit there and stare at each other. Her eyes showed her soul, and I could see the brave woman that was in so much pain because no one understood her. In silence, we would sit and listen to each others breathing. Now, 4 years since the last time I heard her breathing I sit in silence. I close my eyes, and remember what it felt like to be next to her. My throat closes and my heart hurts, because I know that she can feel me too. I know that she understood me, with no words, because I understood her. I accept the fact that she is gone, but I can’t deny how it hurts to know that I will never be there, on a Saturday night, next to her. I can’t deny how it hurts, to remember the last time we hugged and said goodbye, and what hurts the most is that we didn’t know it was our last goodbye. Now, that I’m alone I can let my tears out and remember everything. I still love her so much, and all these years only made my love for her grow. I know that one day, we’re going to meet again. The silence will bond our hearts and mend our souls. It’s sad to say it, but I know that where she is now is much better than the life she was living here.

Physical Variations

Last dance class, Monday, the teacher told the ”couples” that the girl had to do a freeze and the boy another freeze under. I was really nervous, I can barely to a cartwheel, how was I suppose to do a freeze. My partner told me to practice on the wall and that I could do it for next class (today). I did practice. (more details about it on the post: Freeze) I got to class today and the teacher made us do these exercises. It was so painful. I felt like I was trying to get into the army or something. Everyone was in a row, we had to do push-ups, run, jump, crawl. And he kept screaming: GO! GO! FASTER! IS THIS ALL YOU GOT???!!! Honestly, I don’t know how I did it. 80% of the class gave up and left the room, because the teacher kicked them out for not doing it. I think that the reason I did it was that while I was doing it I kept thinking: “Go, you can do it. You need a good grade, you need to pass this level. You need to show that you’re good. You can’t suck a this too. You love this, common’” And I kept pushing me towards death as each second went by. At the end, he put cones around the classroom (which is huge btw) and we had to run around with the music on. We started jogging, and he kept running next to us and screaming and telling each person how they had to go faster and all. We were gaining speed so fast. After 5 minutes of running so fast and a guy screaming at you I could barely breathe. The cold air seemed solid when entering my lungs and I had to do twice as much effort to swallow. After 8 minutes I couldn’t feel my legs. I knew they were in pain, but due to the cold I could barely feel them at all. After 10 minutes it was as if I gained so much momentum that my body was moving so fast and at the same time in so much pain! When it was over, we had to go around walking so we would slow down. I looked around and 5 people of the 30 students were still there.
And I was one of them! I was so happy! the teacher said we had passed his physical condition test. I couldn’t believe it, me, Carol, that doesn’t do ANY sports (only dance) passed the test! The test that 25 students gave up on, because of physical pain! Well, my happiness didn’t last long. I stopped walking and my legs started hurting so much! I was having cramps at both at the same time! I never believed someone could so much pain. Even when I broke my foot (two ligament ripped, one fracture and one vein destroyed) I didn’t feel as much pain. Probably because I felt so much pain with my foot that there’s a point that it just gets numb and you don’t feel that much! It’s like, you know it’s hurting, but you kind of got used to it. Well, these cramps weren’t enough to trick my brain so I would get used to it. I was so tired I couldn’t breathe, my body muscles were all useless for moment and my legs couldn’t support my body. I collapsed. Then, the teacher said we were doing all the choreographies ( it’s like 5 minutes of dance). And he put the music on. How was i supposed to dance like that?? But like always, dance/music motivated me and I went for it. I danced like it was the last time I would in my whole life. Like I was going to die right after the last move. When it was done, it was as if I was a different person. I was light, my head, my body, everything felt different. If I didn’t know myself, I would’ve sworn I was high, but I don’t use drugs so that’s not an option. I guess, I got high on exercise.

After the second half of class we were doing a new choreography and my partner got hit on the face by this other girl. It was accidental, and I could see that it’d hurt so much! He went to the bathroom and came back with ice. His cheek bone was bruised. Tomorrow he has an audition to dance at a big concert with Claudia Leite at Salvador and he was so sad because he might not get the place if his face is bruised, because the looks count a lot. I could see he was really sad, disappointed, and I felt bad for him. I went and asked if he was okay, redundant question, obviously he wasn’t. He said yeah… I got out of class in a depressive mood and now I’m kind of airy. This post is to send good vibrations and luck so my partner will get his place in the concert… GOOD LUCK!

Don’t Freak Out

I’m sick, my throat hurts and my eras, face and teeth. I know, weird and I’m pretty rotten. I have to get better really fast cause I need to sing saturday. Sorry It’s a small post, but I really need to sleep to recover from my sickness. See y’all.

Look Back To Who You Really Are

There’s this girl that always said she never drinks because not only does she think it’s wrong but that she doesn’t like the taste. I totally agree with her. She always said she didn’t care about what other people would think about her attitude because she has a strong personality. I also agree with her on that. This girl hated “Pagode”, always did. We used to talk how be both hated this type of Brazilian music. Last night, she was hanging out with some friends and this boy that is always flirting with her started to come around. He started talking and then asked her if she was doing anything Friday. She asked why, and said that no, even though she is doing something Friday. He said that he would like to invite her to go to a party he is going to be the DJ and said that there would be some “Pagode” groups there. She looked at him, not knowing exactly what to say. He said: “You like Pagode right?” “Yeah, It’s pretty cool” Then he continued: “There will also be an open bar with tequila and vodka so we can have some fun.” Again, she looked at him, puzzled, thinking about what would be the right thing to say. Would it be: No, I don’t drink, but thank you anyway. And he would just walk away and not look or talk to her again. That is because she knows that he is that type of boy, that doesn’t care about who you are, just what you do, and drinking would make her look interesting. Instead she said: “Oh, that will be fun. Yeah, I drink some…” How can someone that always believed and said that drinking is wrong and didn’t like when others were drinking say that? How can someone that always said she had personality change her beliefs because of a random guy that is asking her out? Honestly, I don’t know. The worst of it all, is that this girl was me. I don’t know why I said I would drink, because honestly I wouldn’t. Even if I tried, I hate the taste of alcohol. I know it might not seem like a big deal for you, but for me it is. It’s like I’m losing everything I believed in. I lost myself in the path of life, and maybe, just maybe, I got the wrong path and have to turn around and try to find the pieces of my old self. I hope that when I do, I can put them all together and go back in being the girl that had enough personality to not change my mind over temporary people in my life. About the guy, I’m not going out Friday. First because I don’t think it will be a good idea, cough flirting cough. And second, if he really want to ask me out then be it, but for who I really am.  Not who I’m pretending to be just to make him adore me.

 

PS: Plus I will not have anything with him cause I totally love Eric. But you know, it feels good to know someone besides your boyfriend is interested in you.

Spider-Girl!

Yesterday I was downstairs reading when I saw this spiderweb under this shelf. Amazingly enough there was a spider there and it was humongous!! It wasn’t the hairy type cause if it was I probably wouldn’t be here now (exaggerating). But so, I saw the huge spider and I decided to continue reading and kill her later, I just wasn’t in the mood for all the adrenaline of trying to kill a spider and then she jumps on you and you have to run for your life and all. So I continued reading. After some pages I looked up again and the spider wasn’t there. I got so freaked out! But I continued reading, and yes the book was so interesting the I was ignoring the fact the I could die or just become Spider-Girl in any second. After some chapters I felt something crawling up my leg and guess what?! That nasty thing was there, I was so frickin’ flippin that I started jumping all around. Seriously, I anyone saw me at that moment I would totally look like a freak, if I don’t already. I ran upstairs and slept with my mom in her room. I am so not going downstairs in that room again. Ever! (exaggerating again) The good side of it is that if the spider actually did bite me then I have some chances of becoming Spider-Girl! haha! Good luck for me on that!

Swine Flu

Seriously, everyone is making a big deal out of this flu. I’m not saying it’s harmless, I know some people died but common! 90% of the people who died during this period of swine-flu-stress just died because of some other sh*t. It’s normal for people to die, plus, if I happen to get the flu and die, that was my fait. Okay, maybe I am too calm and not stressing about it, but what else will I do? Go crazy and torture myself that every second my body is exposed to some new frikin’ virus?! What will that help? So right now, I’m just chillin’. Btw I read this article today and it’s saying that this virus was “released” by these companies that just want to sell their drugs for its cure. Dunno if I believe it, but if it’s true that’s serious. People shouldn’t just throw deadly virus on the population to get money, on the other hand, population is growing at a fast rate. I know its mean, but some people will eventually die and the good side of it is that we won’t over populate our planet. If only people stopped having so many kids! But that’s not my problem, and right now I’m stickin’ to more important things, like me. Ha! Now that was selfish! Naw, it is important, and people should really start thinkin’ about what our future will be like with all these epidemics.

Exploring the House

My parents joke around that I like to explore the house. Every time I read in different spots and areas. This week I was downstairs in the guest’s room and I read until past midnight. Since i was already there I just fell asleep. And guess what? Now my temporary bedroom is there. It’s just so good and different to sleep in new environments! What’s exciting about that room is that there’s a big glass door that takes you to the “backyard”, that actually is also beside the house. Right next to my new room there’s the gate that opens to a whole new world of new things (my condo.). Now imagine that, sleeping in a place that is just so vulnerable and at the same type cozy and comfortable. I don’t know, I’m probably over thinking things, like always. All I know is that I just love this room, and I have everything I need there. When I get bored I’ll just go back to my old room that will then be new for me.

Insanity

I’ve just watched the movie: The Number 23, and it really got into me. It’s a really good movie, starring Jim Carrey. It’s about a guy that is reading this book and he starts noticing that some parts actually happened in his life. And there’s this thing that the number 23 is every where and people actually go insane because of it, even commit suicide.

It’s all about numerology. When the movie ended I started adding up my name, in numbers, and it turned out it is 23. I thought it was coincidence. Then I did my birth date. 10/01/1994. 9+9=18 4+1=5 18+5=23 it couldn’t be. And then, 10 – 01 = 9 23 + 9 = 32 that is 23 the other way around. What is even scarier is that, 3 x 2 = 6 which is the devil’s number. I know I can be over reacting, but it’s something that really got me thinking.

The New AA

“You should include new students in your…” bla bla bla. All this inclusion thing is really getting on my nerves. Now the school decided to have these weird meetings to talk about how new students are not properly included in our school. Common! Just look around! Don’t blame us! If weird dudes come in our class and continues acting like a weird dude, he won’t have much friends. Only the ones that are like him! And that’s not only in school! But in life too! I mean, stop acting like we are retarded kids that don’t know how to socialize. If people don’t have the capacity to talk like a normal person and just refuses to get together with people that’s not our fault.

Last week one of these meetings happened. The first one. I totally felt like I was in the AA, and it was awkward!! “Hi, my name is Carol and I haven’t been mean to anyone for one month!” “Hi Carol. Congratulations” Yeah sure. Whatever!!! As if people are actually honest in these meetings! And you know what is even more annoying!?!? ADULTS! They act as if THEY treat everyone equally! They try, but they’re not 100%, just like us. Just because we need to “include” doesn’t mean that we have to treat the person like a little puppy that can get hurt at any time and we need to always start talking to them or they might start crying! Oh poor thing..!! Well, deal with it! I bet if we had a weirdo as a teacher if anyone would actually “include” him/her. We can’t deny that life is like this, some people just connect some don’t. And forcing us to “include” is really not helping. This is for my class at least, we talk to everyone. Yeah, we make fun of some people, but only jokes. And it’s just who I am. I joke around, did I offend you?? Tough luck. Deal with your self esteem and then try to act like the victim.

From what I’ve heard, not all the classes in school are like mine. There are these people that they say they won’t talk to people if they aren’t Brazilian! OMG! What’s the deal peeps?! As if there is no weird Brazilian dudes out there. The worse thing I’ve heard during the meeting is that: “people that don’t do sports are not included as much…” When I heard that I was having a hard time keeping quiet. And here is what I think:
“Excuse me, but I don’t think you mean that. I don’t do sports, and it’s not because I don’t want to waste all my social life in pointless, sweaty, irrational games that I’m not like anyone else in here. You can say that sports are good to your competition skills. Well, I’m not into sports and I bet I’ll beat the sh$t out of you in a debate. You know why? Because I have the capacity to compete and not look like a stinky pig on field! So quit the “I am the best because I love sports” deal because that’s not the way things flow. We’re talking about equality here, and what you do for a hobby does not affect how you interact with friends and whether or not you are “included.”"

I hate when people say that. Honestly, I love WHATCHING sports, some of them, but I’m not into playing them, for various reasons that are not going to be mentioned in this post. So, one thing for you sports freaks, live you life, I’ll live mine, we’ll get together just fine, just don’t act like you guys are better. Each person has it’s own quality, respect that.

Opinionated? Me??

Today I found out what people think about me.

I stayed until five doing nothing, like always, and we (Anna, Laura, Eric and I) were just hanging around. It was when the subject came up and they all said I am opinionated!! Me? Opinionated! That is so not true! I know I fight for what I believe and I don’t change opinion that easy, but that doesn’t mean I am opinionated. It only means that I have a very strong personality but I still have my mind open to new ideas and suggestions. The thing is most of the new ideas and suggestions are bad, so what can I do if don’t agree to them?? Am I being opinionated now??? Oh god, this is crazy stuff. I’ll try to control my personality more often…