Wheelchair Please…

Ouch… ouch.. ouch…

That’s like all I can feel right now… pain. I just came back from my street dance class. It was CRAZY!! First, we got there, stretched and started practicing the choreography. Then the teacher started teaching us a new sequence, that had to go in pairs. (guys and girls). A friend called me to go with him, and when the teacher started showing the sequence I started laughing, literally. I was supposed to slide backwards under my partner’s legs, than open a half split on the floor, put my head on my knees while my partner did a flip OVER me and then kick my right feet up and start running. How was I, Carol, the girl that has no connection at all with the ground do such a thing. Plus I’m not very stretched. I tried, I could do the movements but in slow motion! My partner helped me a lot, he gave me a lot of support, which I thought was really nice of him, because some other person would’ve just started yelling at me. Then the teacher told us to do it with the music. And I have this thing that every time I’m dancing along with some song I get really into it and excited. So when we started dancing I did everything right! (that’s like after 3 tries) Shocking I know. But here’s the details of the first try with the music on. When sliding backwards I didn’t slide to the right direction, so I hit my partners leg and he fell down… oops. We started over again. Then the second time I didn’t put my head down and I accidentally hit his privates which wasn’t really nice. But we continued… I did at least.. he was moaning. When opening the split, I was in the momentum and into the dance and I went with all my force. What happened?? I actually did open a split… problem? Yes, I’m not stretched so I like ripped every muscle possible. But since I was dancing and into it I continued. I still can’t believe I actually did put my head on my knees, and my partner did the mortal on top of me without hitting my head.. phew… then I just kicked my foot up and ran. The third time we did was perfect. Even the teacher said we were good together because we had this non verbal communication. I’m so happy. For the first time in my life I did something on the floor that actually worked!! Okay, the bad side of situation… I can barely walk, my legs hurt like hell and I honestly think I ripped way too many muscles today. Anyway, I’m still happy… I’ll probably just go to school on a wheelchair. 

Too Much For Me??

Today during my singing lesson my teacher turned and said that I’m doing way too much activities and that I’m not focusing on one thing. He basically said, “Hey you try to do everything, and you end up sucking on all of them!” I don’t know why but I got upset, I know I am doing a lot of things. But they are not useless! Plus, I’m not going to sit and wait for life to pass by so when I’m 50 I finally wake up to do something and realize it’s too late cause more than half my life is already wasted. The problem is, my teacher assumed I want to be a singer. Not that I don’t, seriously, that is my wildest dream! But I just know I’m not good enough for it, vocally I mean. I might write some okay songs, with catchy lullaby, but I’m no Christina Aguilera. I told him I wasn’t doing it for a profession, it’s just because I love to sing and my dream is to one day actually have an album with songs that have beautiful vocals. He told me my problem wasn’t my vocal range, because it’s quite big. The thing is my emotional is always getting on the way. In my head, I can’t sing high notes because I think they sound metallic. (That’s true) But he told me that it doesn’t, and he recorded me, and it’s not as metallic as I thought. But still. I have this insecurity about myself, that is so hard to get passed it! I’m always afraid I’ll get off pitch, when if I try, I might actually do a pretty good job. He told me to relax, and that I got talent, I just have to stop holding myself back. That I’m so afraid to make mistakes that I don’t even try new things, and that it’s by getting things wrong that we learn. I guess he is right, I am afraid of making mistakes. Specially in singing. That when I’m off key it hurts my ears because I can hear it so clearly. I guess I have to get the wild and crazy Cary out there and see what happens. After all, maybe I might actually become a singer when I grow up… (ha! yeah, and then I wake up!)

Thinkin’ About It Gets Me Tired

Another week, another buys busy week. I think this next week will be the on of my craziest all along. First of all, Bio quizes start = death cary here. I still have to read A Seperate Piece because I’ll have a quiz on it. PS: It’s now 10:31PM and it’s for tomorrow. Monday I have drama pracitce until 5, and I have dance at 8. Tuesday I have drama practice until 5, Piano form 5-6 and Music Theory from 6-7pm. Right after that I’m going to the mall cause I need to buy an outfit for my street dance class. On wednesday I have drama practice until 5 and at 8 there’s the drama play =D starring… ME! so everyone should go see it =D Thursday there’s not much to do because friday is a holiday = NO SCHOOL!! wohoo I have no idea why I’m writing about my agenda for the week, but it just feels like it releases the pressure on me if I write it to someone! Oh, and btw, I’ll have a lot to say after my drama play, because it’s the first time I’m in a play and it’ll be a crazy experience.

ERB…

After my ERB Math exam I had nothing to do, so here’s what I used my scrap paper for…

Once again, here I am. Stuck in a classroom doing a test that not only it isn’t worth a grade but I also never get my results back. So, why should I be interested in doing my best when I can just normally answer the questions and randomly guess? Today is one of those days when I know I have so much to do when I get home that I don’t even want to think about it. Right now the only thing that is on my mind is Stephen King and a stupid dude from my dance class who I will mention later.
For my Reading Workshop Project I am doing Stephen King as the author I’m going to represent. Yesterday I saw some of his interviews on YouTube and he is simply amazing. He wrote an entire novel by hand and he has an amazing way of stating things! Not mentioning that he is and will always be (for me at least) the best author ever. Right now, I only wrote 1/10 of a page and my hand is already hurting, now imagine writing a book like this! Although he said that he prefers manuscripts because you actually have to think about each and every word you’re writing. Then the guy that was hosting the interview asked, “But what if you want to change the order of the paragraphs or rearrange something? It’s not as easy as a computer,” and Stephen King answered, “I don’t do that, it’s a story and there’s a sequence for each paragraph.” I could see that the other guy was nearly shocked, because Stephen King literally said that he doesn’t get it wrong, ever. That in the sense of rearranging paragraphs, of course he’ll change some words and edit his work later.
Now, changing topic to the stupid guy in my dance class. Since day 1 he started talking to me, and he’s the kind of guy everyone laughs at because even the way he walks is sloppy and awkward. Two classes ago he asked how old I was, he thought I was 17, and the whole class thought so too. When I said I was 15 he was shocked and he started doing some jokes about how young I am. Of course, at first I took it as a joke, but then he started to say random thing all the time just to offend me. Still, I didn’t take action, because I figured it was me who wasn’t “getting the joke”. But then he started to hit me, and punch my arm as if I were one of his dude friends. He even pulled my pony tail so hard it hurt my neck as my head was being pulled down. I could feel my right hand getting the strength to release all my anger on his face. But then again, I have a violent past, and I’ve been controlling myself ever since I punched a boy and he missed some days in school because of the bruises. Even with my new passive personality I couldn’t help but imagine the feel of the touch of my fist on his nose, and the sound of pain he would release in between some gasps of surprise. I even got to the part of blood oozing down his nostrils and then saying, “What part of stop didn’t you understand?” I know that anyone reading this might think that I’m a psycho and that I need professional help, but I don’t. I’ve been very successful in controlling my anger + force lately. But the guy is actually hitting me! And I will certainly not accept that! I’m just waiting for the next class, and if he continues doing it, I won’t hesitate to make it clear that I’m not the type of girl that will be submissive in such a way. Actually, the only reason I didn’t loose my temper this last class was because one of the guys started telling him to stop and how foolish he was being. I know violence is not the best way to deal with things, but it sure is the fastest. So, good luck for me and especially for him. I hope he stops doing it, and if he doesn’t, I hope I can get the right aim and force to hurt him on my first punch. (I’m in for a fight if it gets to it.) Now my ERB time is almost over and I guess I won’t have time to finish all my thoughts. You know one thing that’s funny? I never write on the blog when it comes tot he typing, but when I start writing something by hand I write a lot! I guess I’m like Stephen King in a way. Who knows? Although I don’t think anyone can be like him, he’s so unique, it’s like, he’s STEPHEN KING, and that’s it. I guess I’ll start a notebook with my posts instead of writing on my blog every 6 months. Maybe then the blog will be more updated.

Music Evaluation

Last Tuesday I went to my singing classes like every week. When I got there I noticed that some evaluations were going on. I didn’t pay it much attention, because I knew that they wouldn’t evaluate me, for I’ve been having classes for 3 months. My teacher called me to get in.

We did the weird but relaxing exercises and started practicing. It was when he said: “Oh! By the way, you have a evaluation today.” First, I don’t know why people keep changing the names. Evaluations, assesment, comprehension fact check, all are fancy words to say: TEST. I told him that I wasn’t prepared, and that I didn’t even know about it. I hear a knock at the door, my legs froze. It seemed as if oxygen became a dense liquid that I couldn’t push it down to my lungs. My theory music teacher, the school’s director and two kids entered the room. They were all staring at me. My teacher told them about my background in music, I didn’t really pay attention, I was trying to remember the melody of the song I was about to sing for these strangers. I was caught by surprise when he called my name and said: “Do you want to say anything before we start?” From all the possible things I could say to impress the “audience” or just make them feel more sympathetic towards me. But no, I simply said: “Oh My God.” Just like that. It was so plain, so shallow. It only made me feel more vulnerable and exposed.

My teacher sat down at the piano and started playing. I was staring at the paper in front of me with the lyrics, even though I knew the lyrics. I just didn’t want to face those eyes staring back at me. I started singing and I didn’t see any reaction from the audience. I could take that as a good thing or a bad thing. They could either hate it so much that they have no reaction, is actually very bored with the song, or are enjoying it and wants to remain still to listen carefully. When I finished singing I looked up and I saw them smiling at me. It was such a relief. The teacher said that she liked my voice because it was so soft and we could really play around with it. The director said that I was really good for someone who only had classes for 3 months. The students only congratulated me, they were probably told to do so. In the end, it wasn’t as bad as it sounded, only a little terrifying.

The funny thing is that when I have a big audience and a stage I feel so comfortable and so safe about myself. But when I have a small group of people watching I get really nervous. It’s as if they’re too close, or as if they’re too involved in what I’m doing. Even so, I always try my best to focus on my task and do the best I can. Later on, I’ll post some songs that I recorded here at home. It’s very amateur, but it’s something.

The New AA

“You should include new students in your…” bla bla bla. All this inclusion thing is really getting on my nerves. Now the school decided to have these weird meetings to talk about how new students are not properly included in our school. Common! Just look around! Don’t blame us! If weird dudes come in our class and continues acting like a weird dude, he won’t have much friends. Only the ones that are like him! And that’s not only in school! But in life too! I mean, stop acting like we are retarded kids that don’t know how to socialize. If people don’t have the capacity to talk like a normal person and just refuses to get together with people that’s not our fault.

Last week one of these meetings happened. The first one. I totally felt like I was in the AA, and it was awkward!! “Hi, my name is Carol and I haven’t been mean to anyone for one month!” “Hi Carol. Congratulations” Yeah sure. Whatever!!! As if people are actually honest in these meetings! And you know what is even more annoying!?!? ADULTS! They act as if THEY treat everyone equally! They try, but they’re not 100%, just like us. Just because we need to “include” doesn’t mean that we have to treat the person like a little puppy that can get hurt at any time and we need to always start talking to them or they might start crying! Oh poor thing..!! Well, deal with it! I bet if we had a weirdo as a teacher if anyone would actually “include” him/her. We can’t deny that life is like this, some people just connect some don’t. And forcing us to “include” is really not helping. This is for my class at least, we talk to everyone. Yeah, we make fun of some people, but only jokes. And it’s just who I am. I joke around, did I offend you?? Tough luck. Deal with your self esteem and then try to act like the victim.

From what I’ve heard, not all the classes in school are like mine. There are these people that they say they won’t talk to people if they aren’t Brazilian! OMG! What’s the deal peeps?! As if there is no weird Brazilian dudes out there. The worse thing I’ve heard during the meeting is that: “people that don’t do sports are not included as much…” When I heard that I was having a hard time keeping quiet. And here is what I think:
“Excuse me, but I don’t think you mean that. I don’t do sports, and it’s not because I don’t want to waste all my social life in pointless, sweaty, irrational games that I’m not like anyone else in here. You can say that sports are good to your competition skills. Well, I’m not into sports and I bet I’ll beat the sh$t out of you in a debate. You know why? Because I have the capacity to compete and not look like a stinky pig on field! So quit the “I am the best because I love sports” deal because that’s not the way things flow. We’re talking about equality here, and what you do for a hobby does not affect how you interact with friends and whether or not you are “included.”"

I hate when people say that. Honestly, I love WHATCHING sports, some of them, but I’m not into playing them, for various reasons that are not going to be mentioned in this post. So, one thing for you sports freaks, live you life, I’ll live mine, we’ll get together just fine, just don’t act like you guys are better. Each person has it’s own quality, respect that.

Bio

Science has been my favorite subject for like ever. But since 9th grade started I’ve been rethinking about it. It’s not that I don’t like Bio but I find it hard to see it as something “extremely interesting”. I read the chapter and I got the subject, but when I get the quiz I realize that I didn’t really understand the subject. Today, my bus got late, like always, and Bio was my first class. I hate the fact that my bus gets late because it’s not my fault and I end up getting a late pass and a detention! I wake up every day at 6:00am and I still get late!! That’s frustrating. But so, going on with the story, I got late and went to Bio class. When I went in the first thing I was told is: “WE HAVE A QUIZ ON CHPATERS 3,7,8.” I nearly fainted, how was that possible??? I studied geography this weekend and was planning to study bio during the week. We had to answer 5 questions and I knew nothing! I had no idea what they were talking about. I answered four of them, not really answered, I just re-stated the question. The first thing I’ll do today is bury my head in the bio book and pretend I understand the subject.

Opinionated? Me??

Today I found out what people think about me.

I stayed until five doing nothing, like always, and we (Anna, Laura, Eric and I) were just hanging around. It was when the subject came up and they all said I am opinionated!! Me? Opinionated! That is so not true! I know I fight for what I believe and I don’t change opinion that easy, but that doesn’t mean I am opinionated. It only means that I have a very strong personality but I still have my mind open to new ideas and suggestions. The thing is most of the new ideas and suggestions are bad, so what can I do if don’t agree to them?? Am I being opinionated now??? Oh god, this is crazy stuff. I’ll try to control my personality more often…

Bad Timing

Old post –

It’s amazing how my body has a bad timing. I always tend to get sick when it’s not supposed to. Last week I went to the mall with Eric. He was kinda sick, apparently he passed it to me. That was last last Saturday. On Sunday (last last), I had a headache, normal, since I always have a headache when I put my hair up. I didn’t mention it to my parents, because I promised myself I wouldn’t. My mom is always saying I exaggerate my pain, which is not true, so I said I would never ever mention any thing I was feeling. That promise did not last long. By Monday morning I was almost dying, I tried my best to not tell my mom about my suffering, but that was impossible. I went to school, it was cold and I wasn’t really warm. During the day I was almost dying, I had a headache, I was so so so cold and my neck/eyes/whole body hurt. I stayed until five with Eric. It was very sweet because even with a dying gross girlfriend he stayed there with me. I slept..hehehe When I woke up I was feeling better, only for 5 seconds, then my head started exploding again. I went to the bus, like always the Koreans started attacking me. That was not a good day for me, which was a really bad choice they made to annoy me, I got very stressed and I ended up screaming at a stupid little girl that couldn’t keep her frikin’ mouth shut. I got home, went to bed. I couldn’t stand the idea of light around me. And that was weird, because I am afraid of the dark. I went in my room turned off all lights and laid in bed. Everything was so dark, I think I’ve never seen something so dark, can you see dark?? Because dark is actually the lack of light, so I don’t think I saw dark but actually the lack of light. Okay, I’m going crazy… probably too much science classes… I slept, literally. I woke up the next day at 9am. When I woke up I remembered I had school, I called my mom asking about my bus, which I missed. She told me I wasn’t going to school because I had a fever and she had given me medicine the night before. I couldn’t remember that part. Vacantly, but not much. The only thing I remember is my dad giving me a weird substance to drink. First sip, yeah fine. Second sip… EW! It was so gross but I had to take it, not because he made me but because he tried so hard to do something so I would feel better that I didn’t want to disappoint him. I guess that thing worked because I was actually feeling better. Days passed and I was fine. My throat was hurting a little but not much and like always I had THE headache.

On Friday, at the band practice I just loved my voice! According to the drummer it is the sexy bedroom voice. I guess my voice was that way due to my bad throat and all the sickness I’ve been having the past week. Lucky me the next day, Saturday, was International Day. Did I say lucky me? Now that’s WRONG! Know why? Because Saturday I woke up and my voice disappeared. No normal voice, no sexy bedroom voice no nothing. Where was it when I needed it the most? I started to think that I was being punished because I had complained about my “normal” voice. I started saying sorry and that I loved it. I don’t know if I was saying it to God, or myself, I was just saying it hoping something/someone heard it. When I went to “say” (not really say, because to say something you have to have a voice!) good morning to my folks my mom noticed I was lacking something. She was like: “You’re different…” And I was thinking: “Yeah, wonder what’s different…maybe I’m different because my frikin’ voice decided to runaway right before a show!!” But instead I just nodded. It was then she realized what was going on. I’ve been noticing she’s been very nervous about me singing, even more nervous than I have been. So I decided to act secure of myself and say everything was alright. When it really wasn’t. I whispered:”She (the voice) will come back. I’ve been communicating with her convincing her to come back. It’ll be alright.” I think I was probably trying to convince myself that everything would be just fine. I was in my way to school and my voice still didn’t show up. My mom stopped at a drug store to buy some medicine for my throat trying everything she could to rescue my last chances of doing a good job on my first performance. The guy at the drug store gave this spray. I sprayed it when I was in the drug store, in the car, walking to go in the school, in the school, well, resuming everything I REALLY used that spray! When I got there some friends came to talk to me and I didn’t answer. (Wonder why.) When they realized it, they were all sorry for me and all. That really didn’t make me feel any better. I still have hope that I would end up singing something up there. I walked downstairs hoping I would find Eric. Like always he walked right passed me and didn’t see me. That really gets me stressed. Okay, he says that he is distracted and didn’t see me. Sure. But still, the idea of your boyfriend not noticing you when you there right in front of him bothers me. I “told” him about my voice, and honestly I don’t remember his reaction. He probably said he’s sorry and started laughing. I dunno. Then I went to talk to Alexandre, the guitar guy, he was worried and asked if I could do it. I said yes, even though I wasn’t sure about that. When I went to inform the drum guy about my non-voice he was all happy and excited and started saying: “YEAH! NOW THAT’S THE SEXY BEDROOM VOICE!! OH YEAH THAT ROX BABY!” And I whispered:”No… you don’t understand, there’s no voice at all” And he said I would be fine. I decided to trust him because that was the best thing to do. Just believe everything would be just fine. It was then I had an idea, my mom was always saying to gargle with vinegar and salt for my throat to get better. So I decided to do that. I was actually trying everything to get better. I got Eric and we went after some vinegar. It was pretty awkward going through all the food places asking: “Hi, do you have any vinegar?” And they would say: “Hum.. no… sorry” And look at me as if I’m a freak. I went to the cantina lady and she had some. I asked her to fill up a cup and put some salt. So she did. I was walking to the bathroom to do the gargle and drum guy showed up. It was so funny! He thought it was whisky! Haha I guess he wasn’t the only one because everyone was looking at me strangely. Probably because my mouth was white because of all the vinegar and was kind of drowsy because of my throat and the weird flu I got some days ago. All those symptoms made it look like I was drunk in a school party. When I really wasn’t.

30min before the show the drum guy called me up to his office so we would practice some to make sure I would do fine. When he put the song on and I sang along. Even I admit it was THE sexy bedroom voice. I didn’t know that my voice didn’t come out when I tried to speak but when I made some effort to sing it would come out and sound like a girl that has been on crack and all drugs and been drinking since she was 10. Okay I am exaggerating here, but it was pretty good. On the show it was good too. I went upstage. And before we started the guy that organizes everything said that we had to cut one song off because they were late on the schedule. That kid of pissed me off because in the end we played only two songs and some other band played four! But whatever. I guess for the conditions of my voice it wasn’t that bad. But of course I could’ve done so much better.

Bee Attack

There’s something wrong with me or with the world. It’s amazing how sometimes I atract all bad things.

Today was one of the days I am really stressed. For many reasons. First: EVERYONE decided to step on my foot and it was very irritating. Second: Some boys were messing up my hair and I hate that. Third: We had class meeting, which means: CHAOS. Fourth: Everyone kept interrupting me when I was trying to talk.

I guess that’s it…

Well, my day was going normally. I went with Eric to the band room, because he had band practice. Then, I went outside to sit and talk with Gonzalo and Bia. While we are talking I feel something sting my hand. When I look I see a small bastard (sorry for the language) bee sitting on my palm. Putting her thing on my hand. Thing because I don’t know the name of it. But you get it right? That pointy thing that stings people, that comes from her butt. I screamed when I felt something on my hand. I screamed again when I saw the bee. I wiped her off and then the pointy thing was half in my hand and half outside. I was screaming so much and jumping everywhere that I accidentally pushed it more towards the inside then after I took it of. It was amazing how that thing hurts! I was never “attacked” by a bee before and it hurts like hell! I started saying: Ouch, ouch, OUCH, OUCHHHH!! I bent forward and was almost lying on the ground. It was a pain a never had before. It was all over my hand. And there was nothing I could do that would make it feel better. After all the drama I was walking towards the water fountain to wash my hand. It was red and there was a white kind of ball where the bee had stung. I could feel my heart beat on my hand. Now, I ask myself: Why did she choose me? I didn’t do anything to her! Never did! So, why me? Did she just want to inflict pain on a girl who was just sitting there and talking? And I heard that bees die after they sting someone. So, why would she “commit suicide” just to make ME feel more pain and I’m innocent! All my life I had a “peaceful” relationship with bees. They would live their life and I would live mine. But today she attacked me. And war is declared. From now on I hate bees and hope they all die! Because they are vacant, useless insects. The only thing they do is honey, which I hate. So, again: USELESS. And just to make it clear, it wasn’t me who started it, she did. She’s the one who decided to come and attack me, the innocent one. BEE=Guilty. ME=Innocent. Get it?

The worst thing about this is that: BEE MOVIE just came out. At first, I thought it was cute and that bees were innocent and all fragile. WRONG! They are bad! Mean! And that film was probably made just to try to manipulate our minds and accept the bees in our society. But that won’t happen! Because they always find a way to get them on the guilty side. Or they fly after small kids with that irritating buzz. Or they just sting people around the campus.

As I said before: Bees are bad a they should and will be punished for what they do.

Okay, this post was pretty crazy. Just pretend I’m someone normal.