It Hurts…

You know, I’ve never been the type of person who would give in 100% in a relationship. Specially because I’ve been in love before and people have broken my heart. Since I started to date Eric I was always holding something back, it’s as if I’m afraid of him having a part of me that I’ll never get back. I’m not saying that I’ve had horrendous relationships, it’s just that just like any other girl I’ve had my heartbreaks and unlike many other girls I’m smart and try to avoid them now. At first, with Eric, we were okay. I mean, we liked each other we were in love, but I wasn’t blinded. As time went by, just like my Karma predicted, bad things happened. Well, not only on his side, but mine too. I can say that we weren’t so nice to each other in the past few months. It all led up to the point during vacation that I decided we had to break up. I don’t know why or how I decided it. Things felt like we weren’t connected anymore, even though things felt great when we were alone it seemed that there was always something bad about to happen, as if we didn’t trust each other. Honestly, I think it was the worst and the best day in my life. The worst because I found out that when people say: you don’t what you had until you loose it, it’s true. When we broke up, and I got in the house it felt like I’ve left a part of me with him. And that I would never, no matter what, have that back. It was as if I had literally left happiness walk out my door and not even cared about how my life would be without it. Well, after 2 hours I called him cause all I needed was to hear his voice, I wanted to see that he was happy without me, even though I was hoping he wasn’t. We talkedthings through, and decided to give another chance to “us”. That was what made the best day for me. After that day it seemed like my whole world changed, now a days we care for each other, trust each other and love each other so much it hurts. Since my Karma just won’t let go, the next day I found out that right after we broke up he was almost getting with another girl. I can’t lie that it hurt my feelings. Even after everything I’ve been through my heart can still be broken, but after that day I decided to leave all of this behind, to just have fun and live life the best way possible. If things weren’t supposed to work out between us, so be it. I just got sick of mourning for the past and worrying about the future. I just dived in, head first.

After all this, today I can say that we are the happiest people alive. We love each other and we happy. Plus, we’re so over not trusting what will happen because I think that everything we’ve been through made us get to know each other even more. Last week, Eric told me he was getting out of the Brazilian Program, meaning that, he will not have a Brazilian diploma and will not study here after graduating. It was right before I got my bus to go home. When he told me that, it was as if everything I had in the whole world just fell apart. I could feel my heart pumping and pain filling my throat as my tears filled my eyes. I told him I was okay, after all I’m not a cry baby that wants to influence people emotionally. I got in the bus and started listening to my iPod. It’s amazing how the perfect song for the moment always comes up on shuffle in these occasions. “Breathe” from Taylor Swift started playing. It was so perfect. I know that I’m not going to the states to study, I’m gonna stay here. And he’s leaving. It’s as if we’re scheduling a date for our break up. After all this time, I realized that I’m not holding anything back anymore. That everything I am, is because of what we have. I know I may be overreacting, but seriously, I don’t know how to be myself without him. Honestly, I cannot imagine living knowing that I won’t see him in the morning with a wide smile. Or his eyes that always makes me feel safe no matter what. And the friend that I can talk to whenever I want about whatever. He’s not only my boyfriend, my love, he’s a friend, he’s a brother, he’s everything I need. 6 months ago, if I read something like this I would start laughing and say that this girl is totally insane and talking nonsense. Today, I know that i might be insane, and it may be nonsense, but I don’t want to loose it. I don’t want to go back to the girl that didn’t believe in true love. The girl that only saw the dark side of people because she couldn’t see the good in her self. The girl that didn’t even trust her shadow, because she learned that people ALWAYS break your heart. I want to be this girl I am now, I’m sick of pretending I’m independent and that I don’t need others. Becuase I do. I need Eric, I need my friends, I need my family. I’m not alone in this world, and I have to know that there’s someone out there I can count on.

Eric is leaving after graduation. I’ve never believed in distance relationship, but like I’ve said before, people change, and I’ve changed. I’m giving everything I have for this to work out. And distance will only prove how strong our love is.

When I got home that day, after knowing he wasn’t staying in Brazil after all, I decided to write I song. That is because I always write a song when I’m feeling emotional. And I did. It was pretty good, but when I got to the 5thverse tears started rolling down my face and I started sobbing. Really, I didn’t know what was going on with me. My voice wouldn’t come out and it seemed as if the room didn’t have enough air. I cried and sobbed for about 5 minutes. I couldn’t continue writing, I would just start crying again. So I listened to my iPod, to the song I heard when I was in the bus, leaving school. Watching as Eric faded away in the background as I left. And again, I wept until there was no tears left for this heart to shred.

Here’s the song:

“Breathe” – Taylor Swift

Don’t Freak Out

I’m sick, my throat hurts and my eras, face and teeth. I know, weird and I’m pretty rotten. I have to get better really fast cause I need to sing saturday. Sorry It’s a small post, but I really need to sleep to recover from my sickness. See y’all.

Look Back To Who You Really Are

There’s this girl that always said she never drinks because not only does she think it’s wrong but that she doesn’t like the taste. I totally agree with her. She always said she didn’t care about what other people would think about her attitude because she has a strong personality. I also agree with her on that. This girl hated “Pagode”, always did. We used to talk how be both hated this type of Brazilian music. Last night, she was hanging out with some friends and this boy that is always flirting with her started to come around. He started talking and then asked her if she was doing anything Friday. She asked why, and said that no, even though she is doing something Friday. He said that he would like to invite her to go to a party he is going to be the DJ and said that there would be some “Pagode” groups there. She looked at him, not knowing exactly what to say. He said: “You like Pagode right?” “Yeah, It’s pretty cool” Then he continued: “There will also be an open bar with tequila and vodka so we can have some fun.” Again, she looked at him, puzzled, thinking about what would be the right thing to say. Would it be: No, I don’t drink, but thank you anyway. And he would just walk away and not look or talk to her again. That is because she knows that he is that type of boy, that doesn’t care about who you are, just what you do, and drinking would make her look interesting. Instead she said: “Oh, that will be fun. Yeah, I drink some…” How can someone that always believed and said that drinking is wrong and didn’t like when others were drinking say that? How can someone that always said she had personality change her beliefs because of a random guy that is asking her out? Honestly, I don’t know. The worst of it all, is that this girl was me. I don’t know why I said I would drink, because honestly I wouldn’t. Even if I tried, I hate the taste of alcohol. I know it might not seem like a big deal for you, but for me it is. It’s like I’m losing everything I believed in. I lost myself in the path of life, and maybe, just maybe, I got the wrong path and have to turn around and try to find the pieces of my old self. I hope that when I do, I can put them all together and go back in being the girl that had enough personality to not change my mind over temporary people in my life. About the guy, I’m not going out Friday. First because I don’t think it will be a good idea, cough flirting cough. And second, if he really want to ask me out then be it, but for who I really am.  Not who I’m pretending to be just to make him adore me.

 

PS: Plus I will not have anything with him cause I totally love Eric. But you know, it feels good to know someone besides your boyfriend is interested in you.

Spider-Girl!

Yesterday I was downstairs reading when I saw this spiderweb under this shelf. Amazingly enough there was a spider there and it was humongous!! It wasn’t the hairy type cause if it was I probably wouldn’t be here now (exaggerating). But so, I saw the huge spider and I decided to continue reading and kill her later, I just wasn’t in the mood for all the adrenaline of trying to kill a spider and then she jumps on you and you have to run for your life and all. So I continued reading. After some pages I looked up again and the spider wasn’t there. I got so freaked out! But I continued reading, and yes the book was so interesting the I was ignoring the fact the I could die or just become Spider-Girl in any second. After some chapters I felt something crawling up my leg and guess what?! That nasty thing was there, I was so frickin’ flippin that I started jumping all around. Seriously, I anyone saw me at that moment I would totally look like a freak, if I don’t already. I ran upstairs and slept with my mom in her room. I am so not going downstairs in that room again. Ever! (exaggerating again) The good side of it is that if the spider actually did bite me then I have some chances of becoming Spider-Girl! haha! Good luck for me on that!

Model for one day or let’s say 15 minutes…

This weekend I had to go with my father to this studio in the mall because he had to take these pictures for this project he did in his company. Oh well, and guess who was going to be in the picture?? Me! Actually, my hand in a glove holding a test tube would be in the picture, but that’s still me right? We went to Shopping Dom. Pedro, which I hate because no prejudice or anything everyone who’s there is the type of person you could fine in a federal prison or something. I’m sorry if you’re reading this and you go to Dom. Pedro, I didn’t mean to offend you. When we got there only the parking lot was already full. I have this thing that I hate humans in large quantity. Especially if they’re doing different tasks, which make them disorganized humans. When we got in the mall there was this mass of people going in different flows. I could feel my breathing getting harder, my body was trying to find some oxygen that might have left for me. My dad was rushing through the crowd, he just left me behind! I was wearing high heels and had to concentrate on not slipping. Not only that but also hold close to my purse because I was so frikin’ scared of the weird people around me. We went into the picture place and my dad talked to the lady that would take the pictures. While we waited for her to get ready I noticed there was this station inside the store that was selling tickets for this rodeo that is happening next weekend and the next in Jaguariuna. Okay, no prejudice again, but SOCIAL SUICIDE! If people actually went there to see the rodeo, okay, cause that sounds fun. But they actually go there to listen to bad Brazilian country music. Trust me, country music here is not even close to what country music is out there. I took a glance at the people in line for the ticket, only by seeing the 6 of them I already got scared. The guys looked like someone who could easily be charged for rape or vandalism. And the girls could easily be mistaken for bad quality hookers or just wannabes that came from a far a way city and that would do just anything to get famous. That resumes to: awful clothes, disgusting hair, teeth in bad conditions (if any teeth at all) and even worse manners.

The picture woman got back and took us upstairs to this room: “Studio”. From the outside it looked like a place where they might be filming some type of horror movie, there was all these costumes for babies, but not cute costumes. Costumes that was torn apart and dirty. When we got inside it was pretty decent. I put the gloves on and got the test tube with money inside. I had to hold my arm in the air for like ages (okay it was like 10 minutes) but have you ever tried to hold your arm still in the air while someone was taking a picture of your hand? Seriously, your arm starts shaking AND hurting. Not best position. Then, the woman started saying: Do this! Do that! Hold like this! bla bla bla. I almost said: So come do it bitch! But since I’m a very well mannered little girl I just gave her the I-can’t-stand-you-for-one-more-second smile. Beyond that everything was okay. Plus I have a petit gateau while I waited for the picture to get ready. It was all worth it, and my hand will be famous because it’s the logo for my dad’s company new project! WAY TO GO!! haha At least a part of me (literally) is already being a famous model.

Swine Flu

Seriously, everyone is making a big deal out of this flu. I’m not saying it’s harmless, I know some people died but common! 90% of the people who died during this period of swine-flu-stress just died because of some other sh*t. It’s normal for people to die, plus, if I happen to get the flu and die, that was my fait. Okay, maybe I am too calm and not stressing about it, but what else will I do? Go crazy and torture myself that every second my body is exposed to some new frikin’ virus?! What will that help? So right now, I’m just chillin’. Btw I read this article today and it’s saying that this virus was “released” by these companies that just want to sell their drugs for its cure. Dunno if I believe it, but if it’s true that’s serious. People shouldn’t just throw deadly virus on the population to get money, on the other hand, population is growing at a fast rate. I know its mean, but some people will eventually die and the good side of it is that we won’t over populate our planet. If only people stopped having so many kids! But that’s not my problem, and right now I’m stickin’ to more important things, like me. Ha! Now that was selfish! Naw, it is important, and people should really start thinkin’ about what our future will be like with all these epidemics.

Thinkin’ About It Gets Me Tired

Another week, another buys busy week. I think this next week will be the on of my craziest all along. First of all, Bio quizes start = death cary here. I still have to read A Seperate Piece because I’ll have a quiz on it. PS: It’s now 10:31PM and it’s for tomorrow. Monday I have drama pracitce until 5, and I have dance at 8. Tuesday I have drama practice until 5, Piano form 5-6 and Music Theory from 6-7pm. Right after that I’m going to the mall cause I need to buy an outfit for my street dance class. On wednesday I have drama practice until 5 and at 8 there’s the drama play =D starring… ME! so everyone should go see it =D Thursday there’s not much to do because friday is a holiday = NO SCHOOL!! wohoo I have no idea why I’m writing about my agenda for the week, but it just feels like it releases the pressure on me if I write it to someone! Oh, and btw, I’ll have a lot to say after my drama play, because it’s the first time I’m in a play and it’ll be a crazy experience.

Maximum Ride – James Patterson

Right now I’m reading the Maximum Ride Novels by James Patterson. They are just so thrilling and addictive. I’m reading one book per day, that would be 400 pages each day. Later on, I’ll post more information about my thoughts on what’s happening. Right now, here’s a video of the book.

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Technology 1 x 0

I’m really stressed right now because I just got my computer back and I have to install everything again. And the printer won’t cooperate. I hate these things!! The funny thing is I found this video that fits the situation right now!! It’s me in a cat version!

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Terror Is Gettin’ To Me

Last night I was in the room downstairs reading one of my terror-suspense books when I heard Freakshow-Britney Spears playing. I looked at the clock and it was exactly midnight. I realized the music was coming from the living room. The weird thing was that I always put my cell phone to vibrate and the ring tone was playing. I ran to the living room to answer before it woke everyone in the house. I got my purse and ran back to the room I was in. It took so long for me to find my cell phone inside my purse that when I got it there was already 1 missed call. I looked up the number that had called me and it wasn’t registered in my agenda. I called the person back, and the woman said that the number didn’t exist. That was enough to make my heart go flipping’. I was already in the edge from reading my terror books, and then a number that doesn’t exist calls me at midnight! I was frozen at the edge of the bed thinking about what had just happened. My breathing was deep and it echoed around the silent room. It was then my cell phone started vibrating. I don’t know why it changed form ring tone to vibrate without me even changing the configuration. I looked the number that was calling and it was the same one. I didn’t know if I should answer or not. After three rings I decided to answer, and guess who was at the other end of the call?? Eric… I answered him normally, and he had no idea of what had happened inside my head. I had imagined all sorts of call, like in “I Know What You Did Last Summer” or “A Missed Call” where the person answers and hers themselves screaming and then dying. I guess my imagination is very fertile these days. Although there were a few unexplained facts about this event, such as the number not existing and my cell phone changing configuration by itself. I’ll just not over think things and not get so freaked out about it.